The Can-Would story

The title may not have made it very clear, but this post is about the following two English words, "can" and "would" with respect to their usage while framing requests.

I dont know whether its the case only with Indians or whether it happens everywhere, we often use the word "can" where we actually mean to ask for a favour like "Can you close the door?" or "Can you lend me this book?" Are we really asking him if he "can"??? Isnt the question really a request, and therefore, shouldnt we rather say, "Would you close the door?" or "Would you lend me this book?"

Literally, "can" implies ability to do something and "would" is about choice. Would that person want to do such and such a thing? Ofcourse he can close the door; did u think that he would lack the strength to heave the door shut???

One could argue here that if he is capable of closing the door, he will obviously do it; whats there to think about it? Well, does that mean u r incapable of closing the door and thats why u r asking someone else to do it for u? Obviously not, right? You are merely requesting it as a favour, so dont lord it over them as if they have no choice but to relent to your wishes. Phrase a request like a request, and not as a command; so that when they do it, they will actually feel like they have done something to help you, and not feel as if they have been ordered around by you.

A basic point to understand here is that when you make a request, the opposite person has every right to deny. Why do u assume that he will do it if he can? The denial doesnt necessarily have to be, "Sorry, I cant". It can well be, "Sorry, I dont want to." We are raised in a society where we are always taught to help others. Therefore we often mistakenly assume that we can refuse to do something only on the pretext that we are incapable of doing it! Well, what about choice? Dont we have the choice to say no?

Well, when anyone asks you, "Can you forward this mail to so and so..?" would you buckle up and say, "Sure I can, but the real question is do I really want to..."